She looked at me and told me,
“It’s going to be okay.”
She said it with such conviction,
The kind that’s hard to look away from.
I almost kind of sort of believed her.
I wanted to believer her.
Because when I looked in her eyes,
I could tell I was in the presence of a soul who knew.
I saw that she was somehow part of me.
I wanted to reach out and touch her skin,
And ask her if I’d ever arrive
At some sort of truth.

But she was gone.

Or maybe I left.
All that I can be certain of
Is I am walking unaccompanied,
Utterly and entirely alone.
The world is still.
No one is out this evening,
Although perhaps some are snuggled up
In their homes, safe and warm.

It’s been a long time since I felt safe and warm.

I see my breath right in front of me.
What was once such an intimate,
Sustaining part of me
Now hangs in the air for a brief moment,
Then disappears.
And I get uneasy thinking,
What if someday it’s you?

What if someday I discover the confidant
Who I kept close for warmth at night
Is now an old friend at best,
Familiar but far away?
What if a once intricate piece to my puzzle
Becomes irrelevant,
My melody background noise?
What if I find my muse
Lies somewhere, abandoned,
Forgotten under a pile of dirty clothes–

Do you keep secrets from me?

Because the idea
Has me nervously pulling
At the threads in my coat
(It’s coming unraveled,
And I’m suddenly bone-chilling cold.)

I can’t play games here.

I don’t have it in me.
And I wish you would answer me
When I ask,
What do you have to gain
From being so elusive?
What do you want from me?
What do you expect me to see?
I’m too ill-equipped
For a hunt like this,
Too wary to sort through your clues.

I’m baffled when they speak of you
With confidence loud as thunder,
Trekking far and wide, without looking back.
I can barely stand on my own two feet
And muster up a shaky whisper.

If only I could tear open my chest
And search through myself
Until I find it and can say I have it in me.

Until I know what it’s like to hold it in my own hands:


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