young for the first time

Lately I’ve been feeling young again. Well, not again. For the first time, really.

I started taking Zoloft, which is an SSRI, about a month and a half ago. I wish I would have started taking it a heck of a long time ago. Before I started taking it, I can’t even remember the last time I felt like myself for over 24 hours. Of course, I still have rough days and anxieties and stuff, but I’m not so unstable anymore. I’ve been kind of forgetful lately, I guess a side effect of the meds. Which sucks, but I don’t feel out of control, at the mercy of my emotions. I can’t explain the happiness I felt when I realized I hadn’t pictured a gun to my head for over a week (it used to be a daily, constant thing).

But back to my first sentence. I feel young. I had been so plagued with worry and paranoia and overthinking and social anxiety and depression and exhaustion and hopelessness. And I dealt with it all myself. I mean, for the past year or so I have been seeing a counselor every other week, but in the time in between my sessions, it’s was all on me to…to, in a way, be both a crazy patient and the counselor. I felt like a little kid that had to grow up too fast because my parents didn’t take care of me or something. But now I just feel young. Not like a little kid, but like a 21 year old young woman who has dreams and passions and wants to fall in love and smiles at cute guys at the grocery store without panicking and who gets in stupid street races with dumb boys in trucks who think they are so cool. Like I’m discovering this whole new world where I laugh a lot and enjoy things and dance all alone in my kitchen. Like I’m pretty and confident and smart and fearless.

And that feels good, exciting, hopeful. I can’t believe I spent so much of my life missing out on being happy to be alive, can’t believe I survived so long not being able to breathe, wish I wouldn’t have thrown away countless opportunities out of fear. I can’t take it back and that’s okay. I’m not gonna sweat it; I’m gonna start living.

So that’s where I am now. Feeling young and making up for lost time.

🙂