Chaos pretty much terrifies me. I hate it. At least most of the time. Sometimes I thrive on it to a certain extent. Sometimes I need it in this weird way.
I had a friend die when I was in high school. I was there when the accident happened. It was chaotic for a lot of reasons, but one of those reasons was that it was unpredictable. Everyone, including me was so quick to look for a reason why it happened. I think I needed a reason, because having a reason could tame the situation.
But the truth is, I don’t know why it happened. That feels incredibly chaotic if I dwell on it too long. Because that means anything can happen at any time with no rhyme or reason. There’s no guarantee a loved one won’t die tomorrow, no way to know if they died for a purpose or died just because bad and scary things happen.
Chaos, chaos, chaos.
The other day I started driving with no destination or no real concept of the lay-out of the city I was in. So thee I was in a big, unfamiliar city. A girl, all alone. With out-of-state license plates.
I got lost-ish. Things started looking a little sketch. But I kept going anyway.
Sometimes I blame my medicine for stupid decisions like that. It curbs the anxiety but it also I think sometimes numbs the good type fear. I was feeling particularly numb that day; I just wanted to feel something
However, I think I can also trace it back to this concept of my love-hate relationship with chaos.
It’s chaotic to be lost. It’s kind of scary, kind of an adrenaline rush. But when I’m finding my way back, it feels like a triumph, a relief. I have this need to feel that maybe I can survive chaos, that it won’t completely demolish me, that there’s a way out.
Not all chaos is like that though. Some chaos isn’t a maze with an exit at the end. Some chaos is endless. Some chaos is a black hole. It paralyzes me to think about it sometimes. You can’t prepare yourself for that sort of of chaos, can’t comfort yourself with the knowledge that all you have to do is figure it out, solve the puzzle, find the door–and then you’ll have peace, then you’ll be safe.
Some chaos all you can do is squeeze your eyes shut and hold on. Some chaos is in my heart, a violent storm that is always raging and destroying everything it its path.
I try to stay away from that region of my heart or bury that part of my soul where the wind blows so hard I can’t stand and the sky is so dark I can’t see my hand in front of my face. I keep a thousand locks on the doors that lead to rooms in my mind that I could wander into and never return.
There’s questions I have about life that I’m realizing might not ever get answered. I try to keep them at bay, but sometimes I can’t and it makes me tremble. All I can do is throw my hands over ears, bury my face in my pillow, and try to remember that there is good in the world, there is hope. There is love and laughter and forgiveness.
Will there ever be a chaos I can stand, I can stomach, I can face? Will there ever be a time when I”m not running full speed away from it or full speed into it?
I know I will never be able to control chaos, but will it ever NOT control me?