I’m not sure I’m feeling a little sadness or am experiencing the first signs of a depressive wonky period of life (mostly my wonky brain is anxious or disorganized).
I’ve had two major depression episodes in my life, one in high school and one in college, each starting about 4 years apart. I’m a year overdue if there’s a pattern to it.
Maybe what I’m feeling is grief. I’m also just inside the entrance of a season of existential/religious/spiritual searching, which requires leaving where I’ve been for a bit but maybe forever, which is the part that I don’t like and makes me grieve, in a way.
Anyway, this sort of thing is kind of messy and scary and a little lonely but liberating and healthy too but also sad all the same. I’m already homesick, spiritually, intellectually, I don’t know, something like that. I just love this Spirit I’ve come to know, but I’ve been told this season will require some degree of silence from that end.
I’ve been hesitating to share any of this publicly because I’m struggling with putting it into words, trying to translate it from my quirky, discontent, fragile soul to English. So that’s really as specific as I can be for now, though I am journaling because I don’t have to make that make sense to anyone else.
I’m okay and I’ll be okay. Because I know a lot more about mental health, have much better self-care and preventive strategies, and am in a healthier place in life than I ever was the first two go-arounds. I have an excellent husband who gave me “strict orders” to go to my favorite garden this morning when I said I was starting to feel bad. And I have a very nice mom who I talked to on the phone and her love makes me believe there’s a God. And a dad who never stops reaching out to me even though I’m bad at texting back and that makes me feel important and loved, which makes me braver. And I have close friends who are really too good to be true.
And sunlight falling on flowers like these.
To be continued sometime, when I’m ready.
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