I’m not sure I’m feeling a little sadness or am experiencing the first signs of a depressive wonky period of life (mostly my wonky brain is anxious or disorganized).

I’ve had two major depression episodes in my life, one in high school and one in college, each starting about 4 years apart. I’m a year overdue if there’s a pattern to it.

Maybe what I’m feeling is grief. I’m also just inside the entrance of a season of existential/religious/spiritual searching, which requires leaving where I’ve been for a bit but maybe forever, which is the part that I don’t like and makes me grieve, in a way.

Anyway, this sort of thing is kind of messy and scary and a little lonely but liberating and healthy too but also sad all the same. I’m already homesick, spiritually, intellectually, I don’t know, something like that. There’s silence from directions I’m not used to be silent.

I’ve been hesitating to share any of this publicly because I’m struggling with putting it into words, trying to translate it from my quirky, discontent, fragile soul to English. So that’s really as specific as I can be for now, though I am journaling because I don’t have to make that make sense to anyone else.

I’m okay and I’ll be okay. Because I know a lot more about mental health, have much better self-care and preventive strategies, and am in a healthier place in life than I ever was the first two go-arounds. I have an excellent husband who gave me “strict orders” to go to my favorite garden this morning when I said I was starting to feel bad. And I have a very nice mom who I talked to on the phone and her love makes me believe in goodness And a dad who never stops reaching out to me even though I’m bad at texting back and that makes me feel important and loved, which makes me braver. And I have close friends who are really too good to be true.

And sunlight falling on flowers like these.

To be continued sometime, when I’m ready.

Love you.





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  1. I am in a similar season. I’m spiritually exploring things I’ve never let myself explore before. It’s been liberating and painful, passionate and one step away from a freakout pretty much at all times. There is a type of grief I feel like I’m going through – one that grieves the past, one that grieves my ignorance, one that grieves certain former beliefs that I held so sure and so true in my heart, one that grieves the perception that others had of me. Letting go is hard!

    BUT… I can’t go back. Something is coming alive in me that’s worth the fight. All I know is I’m walking toward that life, one step at a time and I can breathe and love deeper than I ever had before.

    God’s grace, love and Presence have been my amazing companion. He feels very close when I have nothing to fall back on but Him.

    Love you girl! Miss you both.

    – Bek

    1. alissa says:

      Thanks for sharing. It’s comforting to know how many other people go through something similar. If you ever wanna meet up and talk or phone chat about it, let me know! I’d love to hear about it. Love you too!

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