I wrote almost 2 months ago in a post called sad vaguely about entering “a season of existential/religious/spiritual searching,” and that when I was ready to I would continue those thoughts.
I’m kind of ready, but only ready enough to expand just a tiny bit further–but not much, so don’t get your hopes up for anything too juicy.
I’ve been hesitant to share much, partly because my thoughts and emotions seems to tangled and self-contradicting to try to put into words. But also because I’m not interested in any praise or concern my words might illicit from people I know in person and fearful of any alienation or pressure I might attract in sharing them.
I was listening to a podcast recently and the person being interviewed said something along the lines of unquestioning certainty is really just repressed uncertainty. I think this is true, but I don’t believe anyone who knows me well or has followed along the blog for very long would be surprised I think this. I’ve been fairly clear, I hope, in my position that the freedom to critically think and question a “truth” is crucial if you actually want the truth.
But I guess what I’m trying to get to is I have some repressed uncertainty that can’t be crushed down any further. I took too long of a look down that hole and I can unsee it.
Part of my problem is I’m pretty nihilistic in nature–a trait bottled up for most of my life out of fear of hell fire and brim stone and–but at the same time I feel a deep need for there to be meaning to life. And I go back and forth between considering that need a weakness and speculating it’s an indication that there is indeed meaning.
I mentioned a podcast earlier I’ve actually been listening to quite a variety of podcasts (philosophy, psychology, biblical scholarship, atheism–there’s some about ADHD and flowers on the list too, but that’s not exactly relevant) on my way to and from work (on the ipod mini I still own in 2018). They’ve been giving me a lot to chew on, but in a good way. But also in a bad way. Well, not bad. Inconvenient? Sometimes I wish I could be the type of person that could just live my life in the comfort of the belief system I grew up in or adopted and didn’t need to follow every line of thinking to its root and then beyond to all its implications. I can find something wrong with anything.
It’s not too terribly encouraging that humankind has had plenty of people dedicate their lives to understanding life and we still don’t have that sturdy of answers. Not really, anyway. So then I think, might as well stop thinking about it then. But I can’t let it go, at least not permanently. I’m learning how to not spiral and to kind of make it a dance. I’m learning to be present and grateful and to let myself experience the magic of life. So I’m not spiraling and I hope I haven’t given the impression that I am.
However, I am most certainly questioning things outside of the territory of “safe” things to question. I am letting myself experience doubt and skepticism without shame or the nagging to need to immediately attach reassurances that I’m not letting go of something other related belief. I’m letting myself be, to seek unhindered–as much as I’m capable of at this point in life.
It’s kind of scary and it feels a little lonely. It’s on my mind a lot, but then I don’t really want to talk about it. And not talking about it can make me feel like I’m being secretive or alienate me in a way. But the alternative would make me feel exposed and probably alienate me in a different way.
So there’s that.
And again: to be continued when I’m ready.
[Relevant to this Post] Podcasts I’m listening to:
(Let me know if you have any recommendations!)